Tsunade's Heir: Omake and Extra Files
by funkmasterjo
Summary: Just as the title says. A collection of omake related to my story 'Tsunade's Heir' and other story-related items.
1. The Misadventures of Jiraiya

Introduction

Welcome. This is a compository of side stories called 'omake'. They are, in this case, mostly cannon (accepted as part of the history of the world).

There can be oddbitts here.

For instance, Tsunade's Heir has had many abandoned plot lines. Some people might appreciate that.

For now, let's have an omake.

_Omake. – The travels of Jiraiya._

Temari ran a modest household.

And yes, it was Temari that ran that household. Their father? He essentially lived in his office – had a fold out mat and everything.

And despite being the Sunakage's daughter, nothing really came easy for Temari. No one really cared if she lived or died.

Which she had come to understand was actually fantastic, as that largely removed her from the political 'hotlist' for people to kill.

Oh, that and her brother.

Gaara, she found, very much liked her cooking. And if the post-Naruto, more 'mellow' (if even his mellow form could still be called mellow) Gaara yet terrified the populace… a hungry Gaara, Suna had found, was that x 10.

So it was a surprise when she got a knock on the door.

Understanding that the only people who would have both the business and the balls to knock on _their _door were salespeople and cub-scouts… she asked Gaara to get it.

He'd been testily lately. Clearly he needed something to eviscerate.

And she never liked those cub-scouts. They continuously sold her bitter chocolate.

… No, that wasn't right of her. She should stop him.

Probably.

It was much to her surprise, therefore, that the voice screaming and the body that went flying by was that of her brother.

She immediately immerged from the kitchen with what armament she could grab.

"Now, now, let's not get hasty here, little lady. Why don't you put that knife down?"

Oh.

Oh SHIT!

Temari couldn't drop her butcher's knife fast enough. She was fortunate not to lose a toe. "Y-Yes Sir!"

Internally, she continued to swear. She quickly ran through the entire list she had learned from Naruto, and began to create new ones on the spot.

It was Him. He was here.

"I was just in the neighbourhood…"

Spying? Assassination? Was he to lay a one-person siege towards a random town of his choosing?

"And I mean, let's be fair. He attacked me first."

Gaara groaned from the rubble of what used to be their breakfast/lunch/dining table. His sand armour had spider web cracks across his entire frame.

"Let's try this again," the weathered man held out his hand, "my name's Jiraiya. I've heard a lot about you."

Now Temari had reflexively shut her eyes the moment Jiraiya's hand had moved, so she didn't actually know that he was offering greetings. "I-I don't know what you've heard, but we're nothing to this town! We see our father _once a month!_ I – please! There are – are tales of your compassion," Temari rambled. Actually, there were such tales. In other countries. Mentioning the Toad Sage and compassion in the same sentence in Wind Country would basically get you laughed at. Or diagnosed with insanity. "Well – Well why don't you prove it now? We'll sing you such praises that wind country will _love you_ – sing them till the day we die. And we'll tell you everything we_ **know**_ so… so…" Temari trailed off. It... was such a pitiful offer. Ninja like him didn't leave families like hers in their wake. They left gore or glory.

Always one or the other.

_"So** please**…" _She begged.

Jiraiya sighed and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. Really, now why didn't _Tsunade_ ever have this problem?

"Hey sis," Kankuro entered the hall, "what's with all the – OH SHIT! It's the Gluttonous one!"

"The…" Jiraiya muttered as Kankurou fled in terror. "The **_Gluttonous_**one? You… call me the _Gluttonous _one here?"

"Your 200 meter high summon devoured the oasis agricultural city of Mibu."

"I – well…" Jiraiya floundered. Gamaooki was huge. Bigger than Bunta even. But eating things was basically all he knew how to do. And of course he didn't have any chakra left after summoning that bloated guy. What was he _supposed_ to have done? "I _did _apologise for that already. And I had him _spit it out_ again anyways."

"Yes," Temari deadpanned, "Five hundred miles of hot sand away from their fields, their herds, and their storehouses. The town starved for fifteen days, and on the sixteenth when aid arrived all that remained were those that had succumbed to insanity and cannibalism."

"Well… well we were at war!" Jiraiya justified. "Like you guys didn't have that Chiyo of yours poison _our _farming city of Kyoto first. Name one major act of aggression that I did." He challenged. "One"

"You engulfed the entire military force we stationed at the Guardian City of Mac Alie in a miniature sun visible from the neighbouring continent, before you submerged the Christine Oasis two hundred feet below the sands, permanently crippling our water supply. When a team of our best jutsu experts went to recover it, you killed them too, and used the tunnel they'd created to reach the buried water. Then you buried it _another _two hundred feet underground. We're still trying to raise it."

"What, still? Didn't you have that guy that specialized –"

"You exploded him."

"Okay, now I _definitely _don't remember doing _that one_."

"His head was found in at the western border, and his right thigh was found in the capital city. It was determined that you were the only person with enough destructive power to explode someone quite so thoroughly."

Jiraiya wisely chose not to comment on that. Even if, now that he recalled the fight, that guy had converted about 35% of his blood into oil before setting said oil on fire – and as one might expect that had hurt like a sunnovabitch, so in his opinion such an explosion was entirely justified. "Look, we were at _war_. _Now_ we're at _peace_. We're _allies_, right? And that… that isn't me any more. I'm strictly non-combat…. believe me. I'm so retired that you can practically see the rust on me. I've washed my hands of bloodshed and to be honest I don't fight _anyone_ now."

It was at this point that Gaara, sensing that Jiraiya was maximally distracted, launched a one foot in diameter pointed spear of sand.

In a flash, the rest of his body remaining perfectly relaxed, Jiraiya pushed a rasengan into the attack.

It exploded with such centrifugal force that the entire column twisted powerfully and, with reversed momentum, spiralled as it slammed backwards into Gaara – launching him again into the dining table rubble.

"And that doesn't count." Jiraiya insisted. "That was self defence."

Temari stared.

She hadn't seen him move.

No.

She hadn't even seen him _blink._

To him, that wasn't something that warranted looking at.

It was like swatting a fly. You don't hunt every single insect that buzzes your ear.

Sometimes you just wave them off.

_Which part of him is supposed to be retired?!_

"Look, you're totally throwing off my rhythm here." Jiraiya complained. "I made a new introduction dance and everything. Just listen. I heard from Tsunade that you had some kind of *ahem* thing *ahem**ahem* going with my nephew and well… I was in the neighbourhood."

Nephew?

Nephew!

That's right. This guy was that Naruto-kun's uncle! He had said… what was it?

_My uncle? Ah, damn, don't talk about that guy. Seriously. What a perverted, cheap, annoying, perverted… pervert. Lately he's been really nuts. Half the time when we're training he tries to trick me into thinking I'm in mortal danger. The other half of the time he tries to trick me into thinking what we're doing isn't perverted. But it totally is. And he's always coming over to eat our food for some reason. And he always tries to clear out the meat **first**, that old…_

The sudden realization that he'd never once glanced her way hit Temari like a berserking horse.

He… from the very beginning, had been looking over her shoulder.

"Say, even a stew's going to burn if you leave it like that." He commented.

"I… I…" Not for the first in this conversation, Temari felt numb. Robotically, she turned and walked to her stove. She mittened herself and picked up the stew pot. She felt entirely hollow as she said "thank you," and faced the legendary gentleman.

Numbly, experimentally, she moved the pot to the side.

Jiraiya looked to the side.

She moved it to the other side.

Jiraiya looked to the other side.

Temari sweatdropped. _Gluttenous one, huh? _"W-Won't you please share some… some stew with us?"

"What?!" Jiraiya appeared masterfully startled. "Oh no," he licked his lips, "I wouldn't want to impose."

"…" _This is some kind of nightmare. Some kind of surreal nightmare_. "No, please… I insist."

"Well if you _insist_" Jiraiya shrugged happily.

It was then that Kankurou burst into the room. "I'll distract him sis! Run!"

Temari looked at him impassively. _Why does he always barge in at the dumbest times?_

"Nice limb control," Jiraiya commented, tearing his eyes away from the stew for the first time. "Not many puppet users around recently, and getting the genjutsu up around it that quickly is even rarer."

"It's not a puppet." Kankuro responded. "I mean, _I'm_ not a puppet. I'm the real Kankurou."

Jiraiya gave the puppet a brief flat look but otherwise ignored the comment. "Nice paint job, too. Kabuki?"

The real Kankurou exploded into the room, his bad habit of righteous anger on this particular subject moving him on autopilot. "**It's not PAINT!**" He roared. "**It's MAKEUP!**"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Damnit Kankurou." Temari sighed.

"… Wait," Kankurou held up a hand, "let me try that again."

---------

A/N:

Done mostly because pops (my muse, mickey, ect) really likes Jiraiya. And he kept being like: "Omake ideas? Yeah, write Jiraiya with STDs" or "write Jiraiya with blah blah".

So... in the end... I wrote Jiraiya.

With the sand siblings, because damnit, I put a damn good amount of work into their characters ('specially Temari) and frankly I think they're great. Underused for how great they are, but the plot calls not for them yet.

Well, that's what omake are for I guess.

Not much to say on this. I always thought Jiraiya should be an uber-badass, what with the way the people of konoha respect him.

Frankly, it's only right that the people of other countries should be scared out of their minds by him.

Yeah, I went back to the Kankurou paint joke. I might even be running out of those...

Nahh, I'm pretty sure they're inexhaustable.

Tell you what, if there _isn't _a Tsunade's Heir chapter on new years, then I'll post an omake. Probably a new years omake.


	2. New Years Omake and World Assumptions

New Years Omake – Happy new years eve!

This might be cannon, if the timing in the main story actually allowed it.

In other words, this stuff didn't actually happen and has no impact on the main story.

-----

"Saa~" Naruto breathed. "A new year tomorrow, huh?"

Unlike other parts of the world, fire and sand did not have such a thing as natural snow.

Of course, Naruto theorized that with enough raw ice and Rasengans artificial snow would be plentiful enough, but alas his nee-chan had said "no".

She could be _such _a stick in the mud.

So he sat on the porch of their ancestral home's rear area, legs dangling listlessly off of the raised floor, and sighed.

"What a _boring _day..."

"Boring?"

Naruto jumped, startled to find his sister beside him. Honestly, he could sense a ninja with jounin level restraint and gennin level chakra from just about half a block away, but his sister had this _ridiculous _habit of sneaking up on him lately.

"Now Naruto-kun," she admonished, "days can't be boring unless you let them be. And besides, it's new years eve! Isn't that spectacular? From tonight, we stand on the brink of a new year – a new age – and basically a new beginning."

Naruto sighed at the wistfulness of his sister. _Nee-chan's such a romantic..._ "Isn't that all arbitrary? And if it's such a big deal, we should _do _something about it, shouldn't we?"

"Hmmm. Well, what are your new year's resolutions Otoutou?"

"Aside from the usual coolness/power/awesomeness/healer goals?" Naruto mused. _Well, I would like to answer the fox's damn question so that I can clear my debt to the mountain-tall, tsunami-inducing, village scouring, anal-retentive king of demons in my stomach who is literally only stoppable by death itself and who forced me into his debt to begin with. But of course that's not one I can tell Nee-chan. What else... Oh!_ "I would like to eat more Ramen in the coming year."

"Denied." Shizune replied sweetly.

Naruto, expecting this, sighed. "Then I'd like to continue dodging Ino-chan's attempts to hit me up for a raise."

"...She's still doing that?"

"I'm glad she's a Ninja," Naruto replied honestly, " 'cause if she weren't, she'd be a businesswoman. And I really can't see the world economy being able to handle that. What about you, Nee-chan?"

"Hmmm, I'd like to remain single I guess?"

Understandably, Naruto gave her a funny look. "Why would you need to make that a resolution?"

"Ibiki-chan's been a little... out of hand lately."

Completely unable to reconcile "Ibiki" and "–chan" in his mind, Naruto was forced to Instead bang his head against the wall in hopes of dislodging the horror.

"Honestly, he's sweet, but I'm just not looking for a relationship at all. Much less at the expense of our friendship. And to be honest I feel that he's only trying to seduce me in order to learn my interrogation methodology. Well, that or to get past me to Tsunade-sama and _her _interrogation methodology. And that would just be _rude_."

"I must... un-hear. Must_ un-hear. Must unhear!_" Naruto gave a last, terrific bang against the wall. "**Why can't I **_**unhear**_** it!**"

"Otoutou, stop that! What are you _doing_?!"

Tsunade sat heavily on her son's left. "Naru-chan, you have visitors. They're taking off their shoes... What's with all the racket?"

"Kaa-chan, you know that experimental iijutsu you were working on with the Yamankas, to selectively kill memories in PTSS patients?"

Tsunade, able to more or less guess what this was about (most children didn't want to know _any_thing about their family's love lives), pat her son comfortingly on the back. "There, there, Naru-chan, why don't you get your cute students to take your mind off of it?"

Indeed, the Hyuuga sisters had come to pay a visit to their esteemed family friends. And rather than be seeted on either outer side of the Naruto-sandwich his mother and sister made, the sisters opted instead to sit in seiza on the lower ground before him.

Well, Hinata did.

Hanabi, quite rebelliously, with embarrassingly obvious relish, and with enough ceremony to totally defeat her original purpose, abandoned her prim and proper attitude with a fury to the point where she purposefully attempted to belch without apologising, before sprawling herself on the ground in a kind of half-propped recline.

Yes. As a child having been repressed for the entirety of her life, though she recognised the need to be so outside of the privace of the Houou family estate, she had rather taken a... liking... to the conditional carte-blanche on behaviour attainable only at her current location.

Naruto raised a surprised eyebrow, Tsunade laughed, and Shizune chided her.

Hinata gave Naruto a sweet smile. "Good morning, Naruto-kun." She was ever so pleased to see him. "Happy new-year's eve."

"Ah, thanks. You too." _Unhear it, unheard it, unheard it._

Hanabi piped up. "Good morning sensei. It is with pleasure that I report the total victory of operation: PrankZilla 2,001." Naruto had named it for her. He was _awesome _at naming things. "However... However, I was compromised in my escape and PrankZilla Mk. Cooltastic... was... was lost, Sir. I'm very sorry."

"Eh?!" The raw shock swept in like a tornado and blew all thoughts from Naruto's mind. As if he had lost a dear son, Naruto's face was stricken by disbelief first, denial second, and third with rather large amounts of powerless grief. "Even..." he began, throat tight but needing to make absolutely certain, "even the little rainbow coloured googly-eyes?"

Hanabi's head touching the ground with her hands before her in a pose begging forgiveness, and so her expression was unreadable, but her voice wavered. "I-I don't know what to say, Sensei. I'm ashamed... Sir it's... it's all _my_ failing. If only I had been more _devious_..."

Naruto wanted to blame her for the destruction of his cherished mega-sized frog based hand-puppet, or better yet blame himself for allowing her to do so. But at last he could only recognize that he had known all along the dangers Mr. Cooltastic would face. Mr. Cooltastic would have wanted a death of respect and honour. "Oh, Mr. Cooltastic..." Naruto lamented, "you were too great for this world... How cruel it is..."

"Oh, Naruto-kun..." Hinata whispered, sad for him. She reached out to his face compassionately. She rarely actually stuttered at times like this. When Naruto was in pain... when he was in pain, everything became about _him_. The world literally shrank. She forgot who she even was, much less that she should be embarassed. Caressing either cheek gently, she locked gazes with him and saw therein true sadness. "I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how much you liked Mr. Cooltastic. Because you liked him so much I memorised his features. If you want, I could probably make a copy of him down to the minute details but I think... you wouldn't like it. Even after you spent 6h 32m 54s on him, you swore never to make another – he was truly one of a kind."

"Yeah" Naruto sobbed as Hinata cradled his head in her hands. "Yeah, he was, wasn't he?"

"Tea, Naruto-kun?" No one thought to ask when where or how she'd gotten tea there.

"Thanks Hinata-chan. I-I think I really need it right now. To..." he broke free of her grip and, back straight, held his teacup up. "To the greatest damn hand puppet the world will ever know!"

"H-Hear-Hear!" Hanabi sobbed as she did the same.

"..." Tsunade watched, but was at last unable to keep her silence. She turned to her apprentice. "Don't you have anything to say about this blatant corruption of the Hyuuga princess?!"

"...Um," she frowned thoughtfully, dwelling on both Hanabi's acquired tastes and Hinata's blatant obsessing (she wasn't even surprised anymore when the girl started quoting arcane facts about Naruto's life with eerie precision), "which one?"

"Both, now that you mention it." Tsunade admitted.

"Well..." Beacon of morality as she tried to be, Shizune was also at a loss. "Isn't it cuter this way?"

"Oh, you're right!" Tsunade cheered, accepting her own teacup, "Hear-Hear!"

_I am ashamed to call myself a Nee-chan_, Shizune mentally lamented, while wondering on her own possible corruption by leiu of her mentor. It didn't help Shizune's self-appraisal that she had an explicit urge to take a snapshot upon seeing Hinata's inventive (because it was, much to her disbelief, not even slightly amorous) method of consoling a heartbroken Naruto with her breasts.

_Snap. Snap._ _Snap. Snap._ _SnapySnap!_

If there ever was a Camera that came with rapid-fire technology, Tsunade wouldn't even need it. It would just hold her back.

Shizune was struck with a new question for her mentor. "Tsunade-sama, what are _your_ new year's resolutions?"

"Ah. Well..." Tsunade replied as she rifled through her pockets for more film, "This one? No, used that one this morning. Anyways, well I was thinking it would be to stop gambling"

Shizune almost had a heart attack. In joy. "Tsunade-sama! Why, that's fantastic!"

Naruto wiped his tears and pried himself from Hinata's iron love-grip. He would press on. In Mr. Cooltastic's place as well, he would press on. As for his mother's statement, let's bring people back to reality here: "Pft. That'll last a _day_."

Tsunade glared. "Then I'll be diligent at work –"

"Sure, pull the other one."

"Then, I'll swear off alco –"

"Okay." Naruto deadpanned. "Now you're not even trying to take it seriously."

"Fine." Tsunade spat. "My resolution is to cut back 2% or something on alcohol and gambling, but increase my Jiraiya-stomping and Naru-Recordation by 300% to make up for it."

"Wha – those aren't even remotely balanced!" Naruto protested.

"I know." Tsunade admitted. "It's going to be a good year."

"_My _resolution," Hanabi interjected, "Is to get grades at the top of my class."

"Why, that's fabulous!" Shizune brought her hands together in joy."And Normal!" she felt the need to add.

"...So that no one will suspect that under the proper and smart attitude required of my station and my grade average... lies the source of all their _grief and discomfort_ - Bwahahaha. Ne, sensei?"

Shizune almost fell off of the porch.

Naruto shot Hanabi a smart thumbs-up in response. "_Good job!_ Work on the chuckle though. Still a bit mechanical."

"Yes sensei." She blushed and grinned under the praise.

"Um... I-I-I," Hinata twiddled her index fingers. In Tsunade's opinion, the girl only stuttered before really 'moe' moments of utter adorability about her son, so she was of course hanging on every following word. "Um, well I would like to spend a lot of time with Naruto-kun... um, if – well if he'd like that of course. M-Maybe I could try to be a little bit more brave like him next year, maybe. Um... I-I just want to be near him. Unless he... Unless you," she actually addressed the boy she was talking to for the first time in her rambling, "you want to maybe, you know, do um... m-m-mo... um, different things. Like... t-this and – and maybe... maybe th-th-that too. Um... y-you know?"

In fact Naruto didn't know.

In fact he didn't know _quite thoroughly_.

To the point that one could almost see the question marks dancing about his head.

Naruto's grasp of the, hmm, the finer points of romance was rather lacking as when asked his mother would give him a rant, his sister would cry about how fast he was growing up, and his uncle gave him a 'roma-what-now? Oh yeah, that's like... like forepl – oh h-hey Tsunade, what's up?'

"Um... since I'll try to spend so much time with him..." Hinata had reverted to third person and at this point had pulled in on herself so much that she had practically shrunken into a little hinata-esque ball. Tsunade almost fell off her seat in anticipation. "Maybe... I-I hope I might... this year... I want... to... c-c...c-c-confess!" Her entire body immediately exploded into neon-red. The legendary full-body blush!

_Oh my god!_ Shizune thought.

_I don't believe it!_ Tsunade squealed internally in joy.

"Confess to what?" Naruto asked quizzically.

_O-Oh my god!_ Shizune thought.

_I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!_ Tsunade cried internally in great horror.

At an honest loss for how to respond to that question... And feeling cold, insignificant, and extremely chicken, Hinata struggled even to speak. "Um, I-" she shook powerfully. Her face had hit a critical 100 degrees centigrade and proceeded to actually steam. "I love key lime pie!"

"Really? Ahahaha! What a weird thing to have to confess! Really?!"

A handful of lone, silent, and entirely missable tears welled in the confessor's ivory eyes as she brought herself to nod, shamefully.

"Hahaha! Good luck!"

"O-Oh Hinata," Shizune lamented quietly, and in fact had empathetic tears of her own.. She had a hand over her mouth reflexively trying to keep her howls of compassion at bay. Only her mentor heard her hoarse whisper. "How difficult her fate is..."

After picking herself off of the ground she'd faceplanted into, Tsunade sighed profoundly and looked away. "Love is cruel like this." She admitted in tones revealing her great and aged wisdom. "Well... they say men are a lot like candy. There are those that are sweet, those that are sour, and those dense enough to break your teeth on."

"Huh? What're you guys on about?" Naruto asked.

"Case in point."

-Other resolutions-

Sasuke: I will finally decide whether I should aim to kill Naruto first to prepare for killing Itachi, or kill Itachi first and save killing Naruto as a pleasant after-party.

Sakura: SASUKE. Which part? ALL OF IT.

Shikamaru: Resolution? Uh...

Kiba: Like, totally hit on some hot foreign chicks.

Akamaru: Ruff-Ruff (I agree completely with what he said)

Tenten: Find a new role-model and never-ever anger Tsunade-sama.

Ino: Successfully hit Naruto up for a raise. Using that capital, work towards my secret plan of total world fashion domination. Also think of a better name for my future clothes brand than Ino-brand (pig-brand)

Chouji: Teach more people about the multifaceted benefits of food respect and appreciation.

Shikamaru: Zzzzz...

Shino: Conditions permitting, totally hit on some hot foreign chicks.

Sarutobi: I must spend less time being the 'Hokage' and being more the 'Sarutobi' that can be welcomed into the homes of my loved ones. For instance, my grandson... and as for Tsunade, she is finally back with us and I spend too much time as an obstacle to her, and not enough as her friend and mentor as I once was.

Kakashi: Somehow, through raw ingenuity, find covert methods of dodging my responsibilities and ignoring the needs of my developing students so that I may return to my pursuit of the holy porn, as is proper. But both barter out a deal with Naruto and remain discreet enough to never, ever, incite the fatal and merciless wrath of Shizune.

Jiraiya: Two new Icha Icha's. Also, sometime in the year I will actually honestly try at least once more not to write smut. Last time I did that, it resulted in a book so raunchy that it was actually blacklisted in several developed nations and publicly condemned by five out of five daimyos. **Hells yes**.

Kurenai: I will get Asuma to stop smoking around me. Honestly...

Anko: Never be bored. Ever. Not even a little, teensy-weeny bit.

Ibuki: Damn that Houou family... I will learn of their ways and never again have my position as #1 disputed! Never!

Shikamaru: Zzzzz...

Daimyo's wife's cat: Never ever piss off the spiky haired one. Remain strong to the point that the evil overlord monster 's(daimyo's wife) repeated attempts to suffocate me to death will be for nau – Oh a STRING!

Temari: I want our family to be even closer. Also, I'm going to try again to get Naruto to move to Suna. Not that I'm like, into him or anything. I'm not. Really.

Kankurou: I want to survive living with my family. And I want to prove conclusively that I don't wear makeup! It's _facepaint_!

Gaara: I want my family to **die gloriously in their sleep** – Kaa-chan stop it. Bad Kaa-chan. I'll tell Naruto on you.... that's better. I want to play more games with my family.

Kyuubi: **My desire is only that which I never had, but forces beyond even my direct control limit me. Then, I resolve to find enlightenment. Understanding. A cessation of this restlessness which pierces even my peerless heart. In short, I will achieve closure.**

-------

A/N:

I was very sad that not many people visited the site I linked in chapter 16, to at least listen to my muse's songs. This makes me think that maybe people don't appreciate what I do so much, and this makes me sad. Without Mickey's help, I would lack a lot of medical information, drive, and the story wouldn't be as creative so I was happy that I could maybe give a little something back. Instead I has only sadness : (. This sadness may result in the next chapter releasing a bit later than I originally intended. Oh well...

I was going to do a new years shrine visit, like they do in Japan but _nah_. The story somehow came to new years resolutions and when I looked, it was already huge.

Besides, I don't think many people would get the reference.

I think people should have new year's resolution s, even if they keep it to themselves or they know they probably won't manage it.

It's just a nice thing to do.

Happy new years eve!

------

Here's something extra for the more geeky and/or devout readers (all five or so of them out of the 2,000+ I pull.)

This information is not fun enough to put into a chapter easily, and is such a pain to write in that I'm just going to stick it here for those of you who would like to understand the story better.

Most people won't read this and for those of you who don't, all you need to do is suspend your disbelief at what appears to you as unlikely situations.

Well, it's still better than Shippuden.

**The physics and assumptions of the Tsunade's Hier universe:**

Subject (slightly possibly) to change:

**Chakra:**

Chakra's a contentious topic. In fanon, it's often thought of as _ki _or _chi _in other anime. Here are the assumptions of Tsunade's Heir:

In Tsunade's Heir it's actually really the fusing of physical and mental energies.

The body does naturally contain some chakra due to passive mixing of physical and mental energies. In most people, it's an ignorable amount. In Ninjas it tends to vary based on their comfort with the process and their total reserves.

There will always be a degree of 'leakage' of this energy unless godly control or the sealing of tenketsu is used to cut it off. All ninjas can sense chakra to varying degrees, but people with enough training or which are naturally sensitive enought to be able to sense even the passive leakage of other ninjas are separated and called 'sensors'. The ability to perceive has a correlation with chakra control.

It should be obvious, but Naruto is a sensor.

In a fight, most Ninjas do not make a habit of holding their maximum chakra possible inside the body. This is because leakage will increase and be 1. Wasteful and 2. Give their position away even to non-sensors. It is also unwieldy to manage the maximum amount.

Naruto doesn't make a habit of holding his maximum chakra possible in his body, even during a fight. However because of some of the unique properties of Godhand, Naruto specializes in being able to generate a large amount of chakra very quickly.

In fact, because he's certain that the environment in his house is safe he has an odd habit of carrying more chakra around there than in the field. (So that he can 'argue' with his mother)

**Reinforcement:**

Obviously ninja's aren't doing all their super-feats based on muscle alone. The answer: chackra. There are two focuses in general for reinforcing in the Tsunade's Heir world:

Offense: done by reinforcing the muscles to augment them to be more powerful

Defence: done by reinforcing the skin to make it tougher. High levelled ninjas are also able to reinforce their internal organs at the same time.

When on missions, Ninjas keep a passive reinforcement before the battle and in battle generate more chakra to deal with their enemies.

Ninjas are capable of reinforcing and using jutsu at the same time, but are subject to constraints such as the total amount of chakra the body can handle and their ability to focus.

Many ninja will sacrifice their reinforcements briefly in order to use that chakra for higher levelled jutsu, but will not sacrifice their entire reinforcement, partly because they are not even capable of handling that much chakra in jutsu-form.

Most ninja will have standard levels of reinforcement that are comfortable with in a fight, and if their reinforcement is sacrificed or messed with, they will bring themselves back to their preferred levels as soon as possible.

**God-Hand:**

To recap, Godhand is a technique that focuses all the chakra in the body to a single point and releases it in a shockwave from point-blank with the addition of punching power.

The percentages that are mentioned sometimes aren't actually the percentages of maximum power, but of the percentage of how much of the current chakra Naruto or Tsunade have in their system is being used.

As a side note although the kickback is quite powerful, many scientists are very bothered by the Houou family, as the force they put out with Godhand and the kickback they experience are strangely unequal and in fact the ratio seems to vary almost by will. They refuse to explain why.

Kakashi theorizes that they use some kind of time-space jutsu to displace the kickback elsewhere – he is wrong.

**Grounding:**

Most ninjas don't do it.

Basically, the same way they can stick to trees, grounding is to push chakra into the ground and stick to the floor so that your position does not change.

Because they fight on the fly a lot, this technique is enough of a circumstantial manuvere that it isn't even taught in the academy.

However, Naruto specializes in this technique. Without grounding, Naruto's Godhand sends him flying. In fact, when using 100% Godhand he has already sunk a great deal of chakra into the floor and spreads his grounding field quite far, as if he doesn't dissipate the kickback over a wide area, the ground he's attached to would just be ripped out and he'd go flying with a chunk of earth attached to his feet anyway. Generally, the floor will still be ripped up though, and so he tries to avoid using Godhand when he's above the ground floor of a building.

It is possible to ground oneself in the air by spreading the chakra over a huge amount of space, but it is very difficult and only Naruto and his mother really have a use for it out of the characters created for this story so far.

**Overall:**

Here's an example: When the windblade hit Naruto in chapter 15, he only had his standard non-combat levels of chakra in his body. Therefore, he moulded some quickly and used God-Hand at 100% without proper grounding of himself in order to destroy the caravan floor. Of course, this left him empty and the kickback (because he wasn't fully grounded) coincidentally raised him neatly into the path of the windblade. So then, he moulded more in the second or so before the attack hit and from there he basically used it as he made it, in order to keep himself from being sliced open.


	3. Extra File: Chapter 18 Prototype

Extra File: The lost and found partial chapter 18

I was doing some project work on googledocs and found out 'Hey! That chapter I was working on, that I re-wrote because it was lost, had some of it on google docs all along!' Now that I think about it, I vaguely remember writing some of it online, so that I could write some on the campus computers (They have a bigger screen than my tiny cheep laptop)

This is basically just an alternate version of the posted chapter. Or a prototype, I guess, since I lost it and rewrote it. It isn't terribly different and understandably isn't grammar checked. At all.

I figured some people might enjoy it. I'll post an omake some time soon, probably.

[] - Notes.

* * *

Naruto stood. "I have to go, Shizuka. My friends need me. Take your pills this time."

Here on her back, mud in her face, the silver chopsticks that held her hair ornately long gone and leaving her looking dishelved – she saw him again.

His hair matted to his forehead with speedily coagulated blood, making him look tired. Spent.

Yet he stood, and she knew he would be running soon to his friends.

Short and young, standing so tall above her. His victory like always. His **pity **like always.

The morning sunshine broke through the overhead canopy of leaves, dotting the white wearing, red-stained child in its elegant dancing lights. His contemplative pout spoke of kindness... softness. He looked... ethereal. Beautiful.

Noble.

And she hated him for it.

"W-Wait! You went-t _easy..._ on me!" she said brokenly. Her squirms were futile, with the binding he'd done on her. "Are you pitying me? I'll kill you! If you don't stop me, I swear I will – will **_kill_** you one day!"

"Kill me? That's a joke."

"You still don't take me seriously?"

"Your skills never even entered into it. You slowed me down today, but that's your limit and I'll be taking your ninja-to. Don't you get it? Kill me? You can't. No..." Naruto considered the broken woman. "You won't. I didn't go easy on you Shizuka. I just keep reserves. I have more than this fight in my life. I have comrades and friends that I have to go back up now. I have things to do, and I can't spend everything on you. What about you Shizuka? What've you got left? What've you picked up since the last time I saw you? Nothing. You won't kill me – you can't even afford to." Naruto spread his arms wide, presenting himself. "The one going 'easy' today was me? No. It was you. You really want to kill me? Take the pills Shizuka. Get something else in your life, because you're kidding yourself if you think you'll ever get rid of me when _trying to get rid of me_ is **_all you have_**."

"Sh... Shut up!" She shouted up at the boy. She knew it. This person. She hated this person! "What do you know? Don't look at me like that!"

Naruto sighed at this ignorant woman. "Come on Shizuka. After all the things you've done, you can't take some pills? This is all to kill me. How's a little headache and 'feeling down' any different from the other crap you've done?"

Shizuke lurched her upper boddy, twisting her bound form onto it's side, so that she did not see him properly. "_Stop looking at me! _You're not **_allowed_** to **_look_**_!_" So bright. So noble. Damn him. Damn him!

"Fine. I'm gone. I have other things to do than deal with you. I have something to go home to, and I need to make sure it stays that way."

[I deeply regret that rewriting this scene wasn't as awesome as this.]

x-x

Magic. The greatest magic. Sakura twirled the pen absently in her right hand, a fake FMST scroll in her left.

She had thought she would never find something she would fear as much as the scroll she held in her hand, but here it was. Action. To be counted on. To fight a man twice her height, lumbering at what must be close to 10 feet tall, and bluky as sin - all muscle. A goliath of a man that threw Sasuke around like a rag-doll, and she would have to shut him down.

She was the only one with the tools.

The scroll... and the pen...

_Okay, Sakura, so next is the activation phrase._

_Are you serious? How far are you taking this Magical Girl analogy!_

_All the way! Don't you get it yet? You have to **believe!**_

The pinkette stared at the paper in front of her, desperately. Willing it to somehow transform into something that would actually matter in this fight.

But it was not the paper's duty to transform. It was hers.

Supposedly. No. It was. She believed. She had to believe!

_The activation phrase..._

Those magical girls. She knew it was a childish hobby, but they were so much more than pretty lights and girls in tights.

_Listen to me, are you believing? Because you have to, or you'll die when the time comes. This is a type of trance. A type of self-hypnosis._

They were brave little girls, thrust into a world they didn't understand, fighting impossible odds for love and justice. Friendship and community.

_Love..._

Sasuke swooped in from behind the goliath. It was so sweet of him to take Kiba's plight serioiusly. She could see it in his eyes, and the way he moved. He covered for the other boy like he'd never covered anyone in training. He was opening up, finally, to someone. His indifferent face had never seemed so charming, now that she saw ferocity there.

He took a glancing blow to the temple which rattled his skull enough to drop him in a daze. Only Kiba's ineffectual assault on the left side kept him alive.

_...and justice. _

She never knew Shino much, except that he had the habit of scolding anyone who mistreated the forests and the bugs. But he had never done wrong by anyone she knew, and he had always been polite and diligent, if rather softly spoken, whenever he needed help with homework.

And now he lay bleeding behind her, and Akamaru wasn't so well off either. If Naruto didn't arrive in half an hour they...

...Damnit.

_Love and Justice_.

What makes a magical girl?

_Love and Justice._

It wasn't about wanting to be special. They never had a choice. They were normal little girls that had to grow up real fast, real hard.

And it was in that moment that Sakura knew...

There was a reason why she was enraptured with those stories after all.

_The activation phrase, Sakura. Remember.  
_

She was nauseous, she was tense. It was just like the five minutes before an exam, but so much worse.

_You're already good. You just need that little push! A bit of borrowed courage!  
_

She would do it, she would do it! She **had **to do it! The pen twirled angrily in her fingertips, her magic wand.

The paper lay before her, and suddenly it didn't seem empty of hope.

It was full of possibilities.

What was different from here and from the exam room?

She felt nauseous and despite years of preparation for battle, suddenly unsure.

What a nostalgic feeling.

How was tihs any different from writing an exam? No matter how long she'd studied, how thoroughly she thought she understood, always feeling that insecurity. Never completely sure if her answer was satisfactory...

But the tension dripped away under the pressure. It had no place here. What was done was done. Time to be tested – just do one's best.

Concentrate.

And it was then that she understood how the pen would transform her. Then it was that she understood that a little bit of calm transformed everything.

"**PROBLEM 1!**"

Taro was what was called in his line of work, a "Tank". It was said that the ancients, who did war with giant summons by the hundreds and fire jutsu by the millions, had claimed a superior fighting force. An ultimate sturdy machine on the ground.

Impervious, it dealt death wherever its gaze landed.

He was impervious. He was a tank.

To be a tank, one had to be pragmatic more than anything else. Don't needlessly divert chakra to offense. Wait for the opportune time.

No skill at evasion would last forever. His defense, on the other hand, could. A piercing technique would rattle him, but those required a great deal of chakra and focus, and would never reach him before he knew it.

In all ways, he was...

Invincible.

Now all he needed was the last plate in his mighty armor. The last link in his chain-mail to be truly untouchable.

Economic might. Money.

And by gods, would he have money after this job. If only he played his cards right. Taro thought that 'right' equalled 'cautiously' and he was usually the better off for that thinking.

These kids were surprisingly good. Three from clans and one girl who appeared to be a team-medic.

The Hyuuga had been in hysterics and posed little threat, and the pink haired girl and the wounded were just as benign.

But all the same, he had pushed the children attacking him back, knowing from what he'd learned of their abilities in this fight that they would not reach him in time to attack again before his fell task was done. Thinking strategically, he quickly switched his chakra from defensive, leaving him breafly vulnerable while he launched a quick futon technique at the unguarded and un-reinforced children, smearing them across the barrier all the same. The invisible walls of their prison became discernible, painted red.

Because he was pragmatic like that. No risks were acceptable. The variables must be limited.

The Uchiha and Inuzika were most impressive. They barely bat an eyelash. They restrained their rage to a rather short fit, and came right back at him even sharper. Relentless like a pair of hungry Piranhas, with death in their eyes.

Particularly the Inuzika.

But they were toothless fish, and nipped him nothing more than vainly, as long as he kept his chakra strictly to his defensive fortifications.

They were impressive in their defence as well, coming away from their tussles with minimal visible damage, so perhaps they were like minded in their pragmatic-ism.

Or they were stalling for time.

They were formidable, and so he proceeded with even more caution.

But all the same the two would fall as well, soon. They had no where else to go.

And so it was with considerable alarm that he heard the words **"PROBLEM 1!"** shouted shrilly at the top of a girl's lungs.

Because he had killed all the girls in this trap, already.

A sinking feeling entered the pit of his stomach.

"K-" Could it be? Had he been so foolish? Him, the pragmatic one? The tank? "Kai!" he roared, and didn't care that his defence dropped slightly with the use of the technique. Didn't care that the Inuzika landed a slash with his claws that actually left a minor scratch.

The world changed. The Uchiha was bleeding from the lip, favouring his right foot, and stood exhausted and battered. The Inuzuka panted heavily and seemed to have one arm out of commission.

And annoyingly, the girls were still alive. The pink one, in particular, now hunched over a sheaf of white paper whos purpose he couldn't discern, and scribbled furiously.

"SHIT! Genjutsu!" Taro backpedalled and swat a charging Uchiha aside, then used the same arm's elbow in a twisting elbow strike, which the Inuzika dodged. He only used one hand, for the other he kept in a half-ram seal. "Kai!"

The world changed slightly again. The Inuzika and The Uchiha switched places. He tapped his comm. before he hastily countered another two-person pincer attack with one palm each. "Who the hell is doing this? I sensed no chakra being used when it wasn't for Ninjtusu! I'm sure of it!"

"Taro! It's her!"

"The pink girl? I had my eye on-"

"I mean it's coming from outside!"

There was a black haired, red-eyed, seemingly very pissed off woman there, with her palm on the translucent surface of the barrier. She was frowning mightily.

"I thought you said this barrier was impermeable!"

"I said _almost! _The holes are **_microscopic!_** Pushing techniques through should be **impossible!** It's** her!** It has to be."

"Who?"

"Yuuhi **f*cking **Kurenai!"

_Konoha's Genjutsu Grandmistress?_ Taro frowned. _Konoha should be holding her a rank 1 asset and have her under Village Lockdown! Shit!_

Too many variables. He had been so close and now everything was spiralling out of control.

And that girl, that girl! She gave him a foreboding feeling. Even the greenest academy ninjas don't scribble on paper in the middle of a fight. Not without a damn good reason. And she was the one who's moves he hadn't seen _heads or tails_ of. She was the one who didn't seem to be with a clan, but hung with these high-rollers all the same. She was the one with the FMSTs strapped to her _goddamn_ waist.

The worst variable.

x-x

It was strange, she had marveled briefly. She had been stressed and shaking, then simply mad, resolute, and now merely...

Nothing.

Was he right? Naruto? Did she, apparently, have the potential all along? Or rather the talent...

The pen in her hand that had seen her through countless hours of theoretical preparation. The familiar lined paper before her, awaiting her argument... the cresting tension and the realization that there, now, was nothing to do but focus on what could be done for good or for ill.

It all felt so familiar, as if this really this was just another exam.

As if this was all some elaborate, integrative case assignment.

It wasn't, she knew objectively. But that was what it felt like.

"Field circumference, 400 meters. Enemy at position B." Sakura mumbled, as she scribbled furiously.

"Sakura! What're you doing there?" Sasuke demanded in the lull of the fight. Everyone, it seems, was trying to process the insanity of Sakura's actions. "Did Naruto give you that too? What is it? What does it **_do?_**"

"It's a pen." Sakura muttered absently, eyes unfocused. She was seeing words that were not there, as if she were writing in water and not air. Words like ink, flowed out of her pen tip and loftily waved around before her. "It does what all pens do... It writes things." She muttered absently.

"What _kind of things?_"

"Questions." Sakura muttered. She wasn't really there. She was a million miles away. "And..."

Approximate uncertainty ratio... Caution gradient... Enemy motivation...

"...And answers." The pen stopped for all of a half-second, the question written. Her mind took off, already understanding the direction it needed to take. "Don't bother me, I'm busy."

Her fingers twitched.

"..." Sasuke didn't imagine he was getting more answers without spending time he didn't have. The gorilla man was making seals. "Look, whatever Naruto gave you... just get us past his chakra shielding, you hear me? Give us an opening!"

The futon came, Sasuke tackled Sakura aside as Kiba hurled himself at the enemy as a distraction.

The young Inuzuka accomplished his goal – briefly – before being hurled across the field and landing poorly on his bad arm.

On the floor, he howled in pain.

Capacity Ratios... Yondaime initiative... Shodaime precept... Chess theory...

...

Done! Sakura stopped, dropping her pen as if in shock. The pieces snapped into place. The picture was crystal clear.

She didn't even need to check her math.

"Three to one advantage. It's enough." She whispered in amazement. What she had done was truly just a_

"Sakura?"

"All life carries weakness. And only the dead can't be killed. To be in the correct place at the correct time is the supreme skill. Those are the Yondaime's Tripple Tenants. With three gennin, the strategic advantage of positioning tactics and weakness-strength matches make it possible to kill a Jounin. That is Capacity Ratio. The answer is predetermined."

Sasuke spared her a look. _What... what the hell?_

Eyes and a stance...

Neither tense nor angry. Not focused or weary.

...Simply, calm.

"I have it. I did it." She thumbed the scrolls strapped to her belt passively. For once they didn't scare her. Nothing scared her. Her mind was elsewhere.

"Sakura?"

"Well, well," Taro smiled sourly. "The little girl says she's figured something out, eh? What next?" He took a ready stance. Block whatever she would do with that FMST and counter, or pre-empt. No chakra could get past his senses and no chakra-less blow could phase him. He was a tank.

For emphasis, Sakura held her pen before her, tip to her enemy, menacingly. He tensed. "Next is only to write it out... Carve it out onto your body." She addressed her foe, simply. "With a pen."

"A pen, eh? That'll have to be some incredible pen then."

"Yes," she declared, casting her academy issued pen aside, it's job done. "A pen that can turn trash into gold. A pen for writing out silver bullets. One called 'Love and Justice'. Get ready. Against the odds, for her lover's sake, without a wand but with grit and heart and a little bit of hidden power, Magical Girl Sakura is here! **Coming at you!**"

x-x

Sasuke palmed his forehead at the stupidity.

Sakura had spouted nonsense and threw away her pen - which turned out to actually be just a pen of all things - then charged directly at the man while spouting delusions and posessing an entirely unfounded lack of fear.

…What the the hell.

But then again, she was tutored by the blond bombhead, so Sasuke really shouldn't have been surprised.

When the pinkette stopped barely short of the opponent, and point turned her charge into a constant kiting motion where she launched kunai from mid-range, Sasuke began to suspect that she still had a brain.

When he noticed the discarded paper she'd left behind, scribbled with both an exam-formatted question reflecting their current position, and about ten paragraph's worth of answer , he began to think she might have a plan.

x-x

Kakashi, grunted as he deflected _another _exploding arrow. Damn ranged specialists! "Kurenai!" he shouted over his shoulder, "What's the situation?"

"Not good" she replied, sweating. She wasn't handling _large _amounts of chakra, per-se. But the sheer focus required was wearing down her otherwise impressive mental reserves. "The big one figured me out. Though that Sakura girl seems to be coordinating the team effectively."

This didn't surprise Kakashi, particularly. Sakura had, after all, the most strategic expertise amongst the gennin. Kiba got bad grades and Sasuke was not of a mind to value team-strategies properly. Sakura also had the most expertise in regards to power types, having trained under one in Konoha.

Kurenai tried to support the gennin.

[rest of scene incomplete. Where the hell was I going with it? Don't ask me.]

x-x

Naruto dashed through the forest. He had taken care of his wounds, more or less. He was tender all over, but he would hold.

The lack of opposition, though, concerned him. Were they all converged elsewhere? On his team?

Trouble. And his reserves were no longer large enough to make faster transportation viable. He needed enough chakra to treat the wounded, and enough to help fight the enemy, and defend their position, and...  
Goddamnit, this was bullcrap.

x-x

They pinged off of him, but then that was to be expected. He was the king of rigidity. His body built and reinforced like a fortress.

Taro stood at seven feet tall, with an absurdly top-heavy frame. His biceps bulged with strength. His skin reinforced and hardened like steel. His was a body meant to overwhelm, and the girl was foolish to attack him directly.

But he could not touch her.

She kited him well, skirting around him in a circular took advantage of his low turning speed, and harried him uselessly.  
A mild annoyance.  
Yet... what was this fear in him? His instincts warned him of her and it took him a second to recognize why. This girl was off.  
It wasn't genjutsu. No, he had resolved to perform a 'kai' every five seconds on average, before any important actions, because the Konoha genjutsu mistress was still interfering with him. And that bothered him as well.  
But this little slip of the girl had something more worrisome up her sleeve, and it wasn't genjutsu. It was something more fundamental.  
Some deadly trick. And he was faling into her pace,

[scene incomplete. Insert battle here, using coordination, positioning or something, and... I don't really remember, but I think Kurenai was supposed to be involved... or something.]

[In the end, the same scene with Sakura pinned to the tree happens. By the way, that was kind of meant to parallel back when Naruto got pinned by Shukaku. Teacher-student kind of... something. The guy asks her who she is.]

"I... am Haruno Sakura... a magical girl. Be-Because a stage magician... that has a trick no one can figure out... might as well be... a wiz…ard. And b-because I have _Love_... and Jus-_Justice_. Love and... Jus...tice."

"...Childish" Taro admitted. "Yet rather poignant. Is that all?"

Sakura held up a weak index finger, signifying her one request. "One... question"

"Go on."

"Was it... enough?"

"Hm?"

She whispered again, her quiry as if it was the most vital thing in the world. Almost pleading. Certianally desperate. "W-Was it... e...nough?"

There it was again, that sinking feeling. That dread.

That chill down the lower vertebrae.

Absurdly, in his position of strategic and physical strength, he felt terror. His fist tightened menacingly, and he snarled out his words. "Is _what_ enough? What do you_ mean_, girl?"

"A magic u...user ne-ver tells... her see~cret. Then it – it's not maaa~gic anymooore. And I am~ A maaagical girrrl."

"Spit it out, or I kill you now!"

_Three._ Sakura counted. He needed to talk more. Just a little more. He would...surely stick around to hear her explain right? Even one half more a second. That would be it. That would be fine. If only... it was enough.

"T-Ten po-pounds of Triglicoride Nsfalkdfs; Tdasklfjnv beside the head. W-Was it... e-n... ough?"

Taro grit his teeth. He didn't understand, and it was eating him alive.

_Two._

Sakura smiled, because she thought that she knew the answer already. "D-Did you... 'hear' my epit-aph, or did you **se-ee** my epit-aph? A-Are you... re-eeeading my lips now? Was it... _enough?_" Sakura grinned. It was enough. She knew it by the dawning realization on his face. Ten pounds. It was enough.

The second Taro saw the girl say the words 'reading my lips', he panicked. _No! No! She was after my hearing!_

"Kai! Kai!" He looked left, nothing. Right, nothing. Up, nothing!

Below...

B-Below...

"K-Kai!"

_One._

It didn't go away. It was no illusion.

And if only it had been a chakra-based technique he would have sensed it. And if only he could have had his hearing, it would never snuck past him.

The sizzling of the fuses of one hundred pounds of TNT lay pooled around his legs, would have alerted him for sure.

_When did she-?_

While Taro had been frantically searching out her trick, Sakura weakly raised her right hand – because in reference to her tutor, she could not die quietly– and flipped her middle finger at the enemy. "L-Love... and Jus-tice, ass...hole."

Her arm dropped limply to her side, and Sakura smiled. How should she end? What quote should adorn her grave? There was only one answer. The one battle cry she'd ever had, for the dream she'd chased down until the end. "Sa-Sasuke-kyuu-uuuuuun... uun."

…Taro had half a second or so, and that was just barely enough to register how pathetic a death he'd be dying.

He didn't believe it. Him, the invincible. Him, the tank. Not felled by a mighty ninja, but a handful of first-timer brats! He wouldn't die with fanfare, but to an irritating 'kyuuuun'!

His own mouth was already moving.

**"You Goddamn BIT-!"**

_Zero._

_

* * *

_

_A/N:_ That's that. Yeah. I actually write in a disjointed fashion sometimes. I occasionally write the ending first, and then back to the start, or so on. I have a Sasuke snip that may never happen, the plot for a Jiraiya romance-drama side-story, 1,000 words of something like, 3 chapters in advance of the story, and 5,000 words of a chapter like, 8 chapters in advance of the story. (don't ask. I got struck by this sudden inspiration and I _had_ to write it.)


	4. The Lady Casino

Disclaimer:I don't own Naruto. But hey, Shizuka's mine.

* * *

Omake: The Lady Casino

Jiraiya sat in one of the many Casinos which had gotten their start almost entirely because of Tsunade, Tsunade's bank loans, and Shizune being in bed at home with a cold.

At first, because he happened to be in wind country doing his thing, they had been somewhat reluctant to have him anywhere near their establishment.

God, these people could hold a grudge.

Sink one or two cities and no one would ever let you live it down.

But all the same, there he was sitting at the slots, wondering what Tsunade found so amazing about these damn things. They ate your coins. They spat out other coins. Hell, maybe they were even spitting out exactly the same coins that you put in.

What's the point here?

Exasperated after half an hour and more coins than he cared to admit, he decided this particular machine didn't much like him – and he was damn sure the feeling was reciprocated.

In a huff he shuffled one to the right.

And, just as he was settling in for what he was sure would be another solid half hour of obscure monetary punishment a pair of _goddesses _bounced into the casino.

Oh yeah. He knew there was a good reason why he came here. He'd just been distracted by the actual casino.

Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. He stared, transfixed, as they bounced towards him.

Them and the pretty woman they were attached to.

"Good afternoon!" She greeted.

Jiraia

The woman knew people like Jiraiya, and unlike 98% of the female population, she actually didn't mind that much. She recognized his kind, thankfully rare though it was, as surely as she recognized her own beautiful face. People like him were very open with their intentions – and that openness was innocent in it's own, twisted way. So she did not particularly fear him. She was even a little flattered at his transfixion on her… ahm. Assets.

It was this which Jiraiya had come searching for. Casinos, Tsunade had told him, were a vortex of luck. Good luck and bad luck both, mind you. And rigging may or may not be involved. But they were a vortex all the same.

And naturally, the first think Jiraiya thought of when he heard this was _'then where better to get lucky? Cha-ching!'_

And here he was, staring at Tsunade-levelled glory, six seconds in to opened ogling and going strong. His personal record for this happened to be ten seconds and by god, he was going for it.

The woman sighed. It was getting plain uncomfortable. She could hardly gamble in peace. "Here," she said to the man as she lifted his chin up with her finger, "I'll help you find my face. It's up here." She explained coyly. "Better?"

Had he been a better man – a less perverted man – Jiraiya might have ironically gotten much more lucky. As it was, he was a single-minded individual and inordinately proud of his #1 pervert status.

In the world.

So he said to the woman: "It's okay." Referring to her face. "Not really better, though." And so he returned to his twin beauties. Eight seconds. He was going to make it!

Well that was just creepy, the woman thought. And she _knew _she had an unnatural resistance to such things.

It was then that a man sat down at Jiraiya's other side, at the machine that he had spent 30 frustrating minutes stuffing full of coin for seemingly no reward.

And in fact Jiraiya only registered the man's existence because he put one coin in.

One.

Coin.

Then pulled the handle and all hell broke loose in the Casino.

Through the onrushing turbulent sea of people… Through the blaring sirens and the flashing lights…

Through it **_all _**he did not waver in his vigil.

Nine seconds.

Nine point five! Come on!

The woman turned her back. She stood before the new man. Smiled. Bounced. And left with him and his enormous winnings.

Nine… Nine point five.

Nine point…

Wh… What the…

"What… just happened?" He asked, hollowly, of one of the departing crowd.

"Some lucky bastard won the jackpot!" The observer exclaimed, as if it were quite self-explanitory.

"Was that her name?" Jiraiya asked, bewildered as he recovered from his boob trance and his crippling loss of said boobs.

No response was forthcoming. The observer had already left, as had all others.

There was nothing of interest there, any more.

But there was for Jiraiya. He stared at the slot machine. The magic thing that gifted some random man with the accompaniment of such a pair of breasts – and even the woman they were attached to, to boot.

And he stared, and he realized that it was the very slot machine he had so despised and abandoned.

And he thought of the mountain of gold he had crammed down it's gready little mouth.

A mountain of gold some random newcomer had climbed to get to the ultimate prize and Jiraiya felt his hatred for the man that had left and the machine slingshot to new heights.

And in a mighty, wordless warcry he screamed his despair.

This was the scream of the Glutenous One. This was the roar of the man that sunk nations and spat liquid death.

And he struck the ground with such force that the mere vibrations of the act sent all the slots around him into a frenzy of broken delight. Coins exploded everywhere. It cascaded from the sky like golden monetary rain.

And amidst the frenzy and the joy surrounding him, and the casino staff screaming at everyone that no, those were not actually refundable, Jiraiya sat on the floor and cried.

The jackpot was here. But the boobs did not come back.

Somehow, he knew, that they would never come back.

He sobbed like a little baby in the face of the great injustice-filled b*ch that called herself: The Casino.

Elsewhere, a certain unlucky Sannin sat up straight and said to her compatriot. "You know Shizune, I can't explain it but I feel… strangely vindicated."

* * *

AN:

You can thank my BETA for the inspiration. We were driving to the Library and I was like. Okay, quick, Omake time. First thing that comes to your mind. Come on. And he gave me the rough plot. Nice guy. Ah, I mentioned before but he likes Jiraiya so it`s Jiraiya-centric.

Nothing much else to say, other than I find I write really well in Omake. I don`t mean like, from a plot perspective. I mean, stylistically, there`s less plot so it`s... easier to focus on style maybe. I can`t adequately explain it. It`s like... maybe it`s because I feel the need to fill the void of plot with good prose or... whatever. Or it`s just that the over-the-top nature lends itself better to it... or something.

Oh, the title is the lady casino and not the casino lady because lady casino refers to the b*tch that calls herself: the casino and the casino lady as well. It`s worded in a way that makes it seem odd so that it isn`t necessary to take it at face value. The title, that is.

All the same, Ciao.


	5. Magical Sakura explodes onto the scene

Omake.

_Someone reviewed and made the observation that my story needed 'more detail' and 'more Magical Sakura' because 'Magical Sakura makes everything betah'. Well, on the detail part I was like: nah. But if I can't do one why not the other? Also, the observation reminded me that it's been a while for Magical Sakura (and I put a LOT of work into her) since I scrapped the plotline that had her go forwards with Naruto, Hinata, and Kurenai-sensei. _

_Hence:_

* * *

Magical Sakura Explodes Onto the -

Sakura spotted Sasuke walking through the academy hallways, seeking out advice from some teacher no doubt.

Target acquired! Lung capacity: no problem! Velocity calculation: set! Vector prediction: all clear! Optimal route: decided!

Conditions: **all green!**

Magical Sakura Style: LOVE-LOCK: **ON!** (kyun~! ^_^)

"Sasuke-kyuuu –"

"HOLY F*CK SAKURA!"

"-uuun?" Sakura finished lamely.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"Um…Sasuke-kun?"

"Don't give me that look!" Sasuke protested from his position crouched in the rafters. "I told you not to just pop up around me!"

"I don't –"

A door opened to Sakura's left.

"OH MY GOD!"

"Sensei?" Sakura blinked.

"Stop that!" Iruka demanded from his position beside Sasuke in the rafters. "Stop just popping up around the place! I told you that you have to let us evacuate the children first!"

"I don't have any dynamite with me!" Sakura stomped her foot in accent of her statement. "Jeez!"

"What about TNT?" Iruka demanded. "Are you packing TNT?"

"No. I learned my lesson." Sakura said somberly.

"Gunpowder? Fireworks? Flares? Molotov Cocktails?"

"No. Also no. No and flares aren't very harmful. We're ninja. And if I had any Cocktails you would see them."

"T4? Nitrogen triiodide? Nitroglycerin?"

"No. And those last two are primary explosives Sensei. They could be detonated by a hammer blow from someone strong enough or falling poorly on something dangerous."

As the words left her mouth Sakura immediately regretted them.

Because, predictably, they didn't calm the roof huggers down.

"Get out! Get out at the fastest possible safe walking speed!" Iruka demanded.

"I don't carry them! I never carried them! I was trying to say that I wouldn't because they were too dangerous! Geez!" Even Naruto had told explained to stay away from primary explosives. Though, in his case, he avoided them more because they 'went poof' too easily and wasted money that way.

"I justgot out of the hospital! We're still rebuilding the science building!"

"I said I wasn't carrying anything! I – *clunk*… ah."

"What's that?" Iruka demanded. "That metal ball thing that just fell out of your bag! That ominous looking thing right there!"

"Erm. I swear I didn't pack that today, Sensei."

"What is it?" Demanded Sasuke.

"That…" Sakura began, "looks like the kind of thing I definitely wouldn't ever pack. Definitely."

The small sphere, somewhat predictably, chose that moment to explode in a –

Sasuke and Iruka Sensei were already gone.

- shower of… confetti.

Sakura palmed her face. "Hanabi. That-! I'm going to Love and Justice her one of these days. Right in the face!"

* * *

Damnit. And origionally I was going to involve her and sasuke training. Somehow it ended up like this.

The poll: Okay guys, lolwut at the poll results. Temari and fem!Haku? Yeah? I mean, no, I get it. The poll before got a high tenten rating too. People are tired of regular pairings. They want something less conventional. But poor Hinata! Tea-serving!Hinata doesn't do it for you? She loves him a lot! To the point of violence! And Shizuka looses out to fem!Haku too… Neither of my potential main heroines actually won the poll. Well, I'm glad Shizuka isn't like, doing too bad. Temari hasn't been seen in like 14 chapters though. And fem!Haku is... she has like 8 lines so far. But no. I get it. I do. There needs to be more fem!Haku in the world. I get that.

I did (at story conception) originally plan to have a Naruto/Temari/Hinata/Hanabi love… square… thing. Don't ask me about Hanabi. I don't remember what I was thinking at all. I think… originally I was going to give her an onii-chan complex to Naruto… who – wait I remember now – who was originally going to have spent a lot more childhood at the Hyuuga compound, and had helped train hanabi in chakra control through chakra-games and chakra-playtime… and be her vent for having fun and a childhood…. And yeah wonichan moe kind of thing. Temari really was going to be a main love interest and she and Hinata were going to duke it on the Hokage monument or something. That's partly why Temari got so much character dev back in Suna. But she gets so little screen time that I more or less stopped seriously considering her. You can tell my story has evolved since then. I mean, people talk about how if you see the development it must mean something is going to happen. Me? Nah. I'll develop and then go: meh. Never mind. Oh, and Sakura was always a stretch.


	6. Ch 33 Bloody Legend V2

A/N: h;is version was rejected by my BETA on grounds of V1 being "Smoother, and dealing with Zabuza in a better fashion".

* * *

Chapter 33 – V2

The Bloody Legend – V2

Naruto hissed as he got to his feet atop the still rippling surface of the ocean.

The cyclone that Zabuza had used was small, but it had been concentrated.

Luckily his Genesis Seal had half-healed him.

But _half _healed meant that it had expired. He was out of Genesis Energy.

"That's what I get for training so much." Naruto sighed. "Not much extra chakra to put away."

"Master! Master!" He heard as the ringing in his ears subsided.

That had been a goodly sized 'boom'.

Not bad.

As he looked up, he saw the sea of flames. And in it, he saw Shizuka waving one arm frantically.

"Master!"

Naruto sighed. He took two steps, shot off some handseals, spun, and released a moderate furyuu toppa that blew past the roof his crewmates were perched on – clearing a path from burning debris.

"Master!" Shizuka exclaimed as she hugged her liege to the valley of her busom with force that would be suffocating to all but the toad sage's heir. "I knew you would eradicate them. I was worried before – I was terrified you would die and leave me alone – but then that damn fool man told me he had made you **_angry_**. Kind gods die all the time, Master. But as an **_angry _**god, you are unstoppable."

"Puah!" Naruto exclaimed as he used his unoccupied hand to free himself from Shizuka's (literally) smothering embrace. "I'm no god, Shizuka." Naruto sighed. "And that's blasphemy." He pointed out helpfully.

Barkeep was both insensible and inconsolable, as he sobbed in a corner of the dilapidated roof. Kenta slapped Naruto on the back. "You did it then, lad? It's over?"

"His chakra was low, because he had just finished using a jutsu." Naruto explained. "And I nailed him from behind with a bit of a trick shot. And he's sick." Naruto shook his head. "And he's had a bar – or what's left of one – collapse on top of him. He should be dead. Most reasonable people would have the decency to just die."

As if on que, a grayed hand burst from the other end of the dilapidated roof, sending shingles flying.

Naruto looked on, unimpressed. "Pity no one's ever accused the man of being decent."

After a pause, he amended: "or reasonable."

It was then that the rest of Momochi Zabuza followed his hand and broke through the roof. He was covered in soot, and his clothes were torn and ragged. A thin steel cylinder – presumably part of bar stool shrapnel – protruded from his left shoulder.

He pulled with him from the wreckage his two tools. His sword remained miraculously intact, and Haku seemed alive as well – if unconscious.

"That…" the mist nin panted. "Wasn't half bad kid."

He stumbled and coughed as he said this, but righted himself soon afterwards through intelligent application of stubborn willfulness.

"Holy shit." Kenta breathed. "Just…. Holy shit."

"I know." Naruto replied. "I know."

And Kenta looked at him. At this child, so young, but standing so straight and unwavering in the face of this… thing that lurched towards them.

With burning debris surrounding them, on this broken roof, in the eye of a hurricane in this godless no-man's land…

Kenta saw this child stare down his seemingly immortal opponent and sigh.

"This ends now." Zabuza growled.

"Idiot." Naruto replied in a whisper. He shook Shizuka's grip on his arm free and stepped forwards. "You damn idiot. It's already over and you know it. Look at you. Your left arm's out of commission, and trying to one-hand that giant cleaver's going to be a joke. Taijutsu? It won't work on me. You're burned out." Naruto spat. "You're tired. Your sick."

"It's not over." Zabuza growled, lurching forwards, dragging his blade by his uninjured arm. "Not yet. Not like this!"

"It was over for you a long time ago!" Naruto yelled back, dashing forwards across the mangled roof, the blazing embers of ruined wood around them danced in his furied eyes. "You idiot!"

With a hulking lurch, Zabuza brought his swing down. No longer was it a beautiful arch of art and perfection. No longer did he flash like a minnow through the world.

It was just a hulking, lurching, chop.

And Naruto took it.

He didn't even grunt.

"Damn you…" Zabuza growled.

"You're not stronger than me." Naruto hissed back, staring at the larger man around the crossed arms he'd raised over his head. "You used to be. But that was long ago. It's over Zabuza. It's been over since you took that poison in. It's been over since you threw away your humanity. _Fuck, Zabuza, _men can't live on one emotion! And it doesn't make you a _demon_." He spat. "It doesn't make you _fucking strong._ That just makes you an _animal!_"

With a push, Zabuza felt his sword forced back. With only one arm, he felt his strength falter and himself forced back.

Yet the old veteran turned with the momentum. Wounded and low on energy as he was, he created distance and spun into a hooked, spinning back-kick that landed perfectly across his opponent's jaw.

And there it rested, quietly.

_No._ Zabuza swore to himself. _Not like this._

"You idiot." Naruto whispered, reaching up to his cheek and seizing the man by his ankle.

With a tug that lifted Zabuza off his feet, the man's stance was destroyed. He was lifted off his footing and dragged towards his opponent.

And Naruto reached up through the air with his left hand, and brought it down upon the demon of the mist with a blow that slammed Zabuza down with such force that it threatened to break the tiled roof that had already been through so much.

And Naruto crouched over the man, upon his wheezing chest, and stared hard into his eyes. "And humans kill animals, Zabuza. We hunt them."

"There was probably a boost of speed." Naruto said as he frowned down at the dying man. He imagined what would have happened inside that exploding bar. Zabuza, the more veteran between him and his too, realizing quickly that Naruto's fire dragon was part or some greater ploy. Him moving, quickly, to grab at the unaware Haku. "And reinforcement of your sword to act as a shield against the shrapnel." A shield for him, and himself, a shield for the girl.

For his tool.

"I knew you'd do it." Naruto explained. "I knew because you were too proud a swordsman _not _to care about your tools. Your cleaver breaks, you remake it right away and you _brag about it. _Haku's your tool too. Maybe your swords more important than her, or maybe not. Doesn't matter. Both tools… they're more important than your life. And I knew you'd do it, just like I knew you would expect a sly shot from a kid like me, until it was too late. You're too predictable Zabuza." Naruto shook his head. "You're just an animal."

Zabuza huffed and wheezed. His was a poison that slept in the heart. His was an ailment that crippled the bodies ability to create ATP on the spot. His mitochondria span around with nothing to work with, for his blood oxygenated so slowly with his weak heartbeat.

But he would not die with excuses on his lips. He was Momochi Zabuza, and he had embraced the thought of death ever since Haku had diagnosed him.

No, since he first picked up a kunai. Kill or be kill. Dog eat dog.

He had gone his whole life assuming death… was always just a part of it all.

"I…." Zabuza began. "Lived… always proud. When I killed my classmates, and when I killed all those others throughout the years… I was proud. Becauze Momochi Zabuza…the sewer rat… became the Demon of the Mist. He was reborn through blood and death, into someone that mattered! I was going to make that country mine… I was _so close _with the Leviathan! I was going to make it mine, and it was going to be reborn too… through blood and death of the weak and disobedient… **into the best fucking country in the world.**"

Naruto frowned, but remained otherwise unmoved.

Zabuza glared directly into the eyes of the one who would presumably bring his bloody life to a close, and there in those cerulean orbs he found resolve and steel.

And with the last of his streangth, Zabuza commanded his flailing heart:

Beat.

Cry out.

Roar.

And for that brief moment, he was again the most powerful swordsman in the world.

Belatedly, with a flinch, Naruto noticed his neck in the noose of Kuchibi Koncho

"One hand…" Zabuza muttered in haggard breaths, "…is _plenty_."

And he dropped the handle from loose fingers. He stared blankly up at the sky.

It would have to do. It would have to be like this.

This death would have to do for the legend of Momochi Zabuza.

His legacy…

"You can have it…" He said in a strained and phantasmal voice. "…if you _maintain_ her."

Naruto considered this man, who had killed himself to make a point. He considered all the anger and fear this man had instilled.

He considered the ruthlessness of this man's prideful ambition.

But, at least, to the end…

He was consistent.

"Fucking idiot." Naruto muttered. "Find your kingdom in Hell, Demon of the Mist. Let yourself reach peace in that inferno."

And the worst man in the world, Mamochi Zaubuza… died not with a bang.

Or a whimper.

He died with a chuckle.

* * *

Tada.

By the way, I was dissatisfied with V1, and that's why I wrote this version, V2. lol. But I had to go with my BETA's decision, because I didn't really know what to say about it. I couldn't figure out the relative values, and honestly I later realized my dissatisfaction with V1 wasn't due to V1 but due to what should I be doing after V1. And really, V2 didn't solve that in any fashion, and so I was dissatisfied there as well. In that sense, I went with the reader's opinion.


End file.
